After a really bad breakup, I realized that a breakup had never felt so bad and that it just shouldn’t feel that bad (suicidal ideas etc). I realized that because of my shitty family, I always relied on my partners to provide me with emotional closeness and not feel alone. Truth is, I’ve never tried being happy and alone. So, I took some time, browsed forums, read books and:
– Have a great diet,
– Sleep enough,
– Go to sports twice a week (I love these sports)
– See friends thrice a week/talk to them on the phone
– Go by myself do some stuff (travelling, visiting the nearby cities, etc)
– Have hobbies (created a book club, etc).
– Have a great job, in which I’m pouring a lot of my energy.
Great, isn’t it? Followed advice by the letter. Yet, I’m not happy. When I get to a mountain top and see the view, the first that comes here ‘I wish I could share it’. When I make a good dish, I miss seeing the anticipation on my partner’s face. When I go to sports and feel proud of myself, I think about how great it would be to be back home and get a foot massage. When I read an amazing book, I want to tell my friends/partner about it and start a discussion with them.
And you know what? ALL the people who praise ‘being alone and single’ around me, are in a relationship. ALL my friends who say that this is the shit, are in a relationship and they look MUCH HAPPIER when they have a partner. Difficulties of life seem less big, they handle work better, they look forward to their partners, etc.
So I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m lost. I’m starting to think that being in a relationship and feeling loved is actually better than being single, it’s not just up to ‘trying’ to be happy single. I have a hard time believing that it’s actually true.
I feel like I’ve done all I could. To be happy on my own. But it doesn’t matter, I’m just not. Life is okay, but it’s not great.
I’m open to read the opposite. I REALLY want it to be true, because when I’m in a relationship, I’m committed and I don’t fuck around. So finding the person that fits me + isn’t afraid of committing… that seems impossible right now.
